torn up inside
blogskin by babycurls
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Time to do some Soul Searching
I think it's about time I did some soul searching. I did a little yesterday but I can't seem to find what's bothering me. There is something but what....I had a fucked up sleep last night. Only manage to fall asleep at abt 1 plus in the morning but my sleep kept getting interupted. I woke up like 4 or 5 times. Had a few weird ass dreams that don't make sense. Wait, that ain't right.... The first dream I had made a little sense. I'm gonna spare everyone the boring details about it but the gist of it is that I was told by someone (Only god knows who) that I should learn to control my temper. I think that is something I really need to do.
I woke up again feeling that something was crawling up my foot. I thought it was a bug or something but it turned out to be nothing that that stupid sensation lingered until I fell asleep.... Last Saturday and yesterday night, I was so tempted to cut myself again. Everything at home is fine, for once work is going well, so don't ask me why I'm feeling like shit, coz honestly, I do not know. I really wish I did but I don't. The only reason why I did not cut myself was coz my knife was blunt, there won't be any effect.
What the hell is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I'm not some sort of weakling that is unable to cope with my problems. I've done it so many times before and there is no reason know why I should be cracking. Everything is fine, so what's wrong. It's time I sat down by the beach (hopefully it will be a windy night and the stars will be out), with a bottle of red wine and figure of what's eating me from the inside.
Once I find out what is affecting me, I know I will be able to overcome it. I need to find some outlet for my sadness (I'm not going through depression) and all the pent up emotions I have in me.
You know, thinking about it, I always do this. I always keep my feelings to myself and I bottle it up. There is so much of pent up emotions in me that I just need to let it go if not I'll explode. That is something I am trying to save myself from. I do not wanna implode or explode. I know when I do that, the people around me will suffer.
My friends, I know they will ask me what's wrong and that they will be there for me. I know that and for that, I thank all of you. I have one request, please, I am begging you guys not to ask me what's wrong because I am unable to give you guys a proper answer. The reason for that is because I do not know what's wrong. All I can say is that there are demons with me that I have to fight. I need to find out what or who these demons are and exorcise them.
I'm sick of pretending to be cheerful on the outside but feeling like crap on the inside. I don't think a lot of people actually know how I feel or who the real me is. It's not that I do not want to let them know the real me , it's just I can't. I am the person you see when we meet up but the emotions or feelings that I protray is not exactly how I feel but what I want you to see.
I can't be selfish and bother you guys with my problems. You have heard a lot of complaints from me but I guess this is one thing I need to sort out for myself. Talking can help so much but in the end, it's up to me to get myself out of this grave that I dug for myself.
Sooner or later, I'll be back, the real me will be back. It's just a matter of time.
Peace OUT
taste the pain
8/28/2007 09:45:00 AM
Get the Picture Bitch
I thought you were out of my life. Your friends told you to bugger off. They told you that you do not deserve me. They told you to stay away. Your friends, not mine.
What possesed you to think that I will accept you back. How dumb are you??? The only reason why I am talking to you now is because I want my photos back. Thats all.
"Everyone makes mistakes and they deserve a second chance", those are your words. I totally agree. Everyone do make mistakes. My mistake, maybe the biggest mistake of my life is to have been in a relationship with you. All you did was lie, lie and oh yah, LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So wat makes you think that I am going to be so stupid and get take to you.
You can call me all you like and you can cry all you want, the Bottom Line is that I do not want you back. I ain't you spare tyre bitch........ You are seriously disillusioned if you think that I am going to get back with ya....
One chance is all you get. You screwed up. You can keep saying that you are really sorry and that you know I am not cold hearted. You stupid BITCH!!!!!!!!! In the past two years, I have changed. I have changed a lot. I'm no longer the guy you once knew. I am no longer so stupid as to relive my mistakes.
Let me tell you one thing that no one knows. I pretend that I don't understand certain things and that I don't see the mistake you do. I just let it go but that does not mean that if I am blind..... I wait for the precise moment. I have this saying
"DO IT ONCE,DO IT GOOD!"
Once I get back my photos you will see the real me.
Peace OUT
taste the pain
8/26/2007 09:27:00 PM
Blast of a Time
Yesterday was an awesome night. Although we just sat around talking and stuff I still had a blast.... It was Sumi's birthday yesterday so we decided to go out. I was at Harry's reading a book waiting for 2 of my friends to come and something came over me. Instead of ordering my usual erdinger, I order the house red wine. I only realised that I ordered the wine after I received it but what the fuck lah...alcohol is after all alcohol...same effect.....
So the 3 of us were sitting down and talking...then it stated to pour... It was raining cats and dogs......We had to make our way to UOB plaza and the umbrella that Sumi was carrying was kinda small. So it could only fit her and her friend. Well wat was i to do. I walked in the rain, singing, " I'm Singing in the Rain", yes, I know thats lame...I think I took an extra dose of the lame pill. Anyways after reaching UOB plaza and meeting one more of Sumi's friends, we headed down to Clarke Quay.
Could not enter Rupee room coz someone brought their baby....... so we sat at MAMAs.. Yes, by the name of the joint, u can imagine the service and the standard of the drinks there. Their "around the world" tasted like cough mixture....nothing like the "around the world" at Harrys... By then there was 8 of us and by abt 9 plus all left. The only people who were there were, me, Sumi and Pwiyaaaaaaa...... Went to cafe iguana. That my first time going there. So those 2 girls kinda popped my cherry (if you know what I mean).... Anyways they ordered the macho magaritta.....BLOODY HELL....Its huge lah the magaritta glasses...I did not expect it to be that massive and the best part is that they are not stingy with the tequilla.....one thing bad about that place is that the service a little slow but the drinks power to the max lah.
Well Sumi, I hope you enjoyed last night............. Tomorrow is gonna be a blast............................
Peace out
taste the pain
8/24/2007 10:03:00 AM
What if I become a PE Teacher
First of all, thanks for adding the counter for me Sumi. *hugs*
Secondly, I justed applied online to become a teacher. This is something I thought I would never ever do in my life. Teach....I confuse myself when I talk but hey, what the fuck man..... The pay is good. It's a whole lot more then the scraps that I am getting right now. I'm wondering if I can get through the interview. Will be kinda interesting if I become a teacher. I applied to become a PE teacher. I filled up the application form at work......lol....... So what will be the other subject I'm gonna teach. Maybe take something like history or social studies. I mean it's a no brainer. It's all direct from the text book. Just read the stupid book and you'll get all the facts you need.
Priya said become a PE teacher in a girl's school.....Am I allowed to choose????................................ If possible, I don't wanna be a teacher in a girl's school... I mean I always use vulgar language and stuff and my friends all say my head is always in the gutter so that might be my problem... For example, if I'm scolding a student and I say something like " You bloody fuck head or You bith or slut", imagine all the trouble that I will get myself into. On the other hand, it might be fun...Getting loads of presents for teachers ' day...ok, i know that sounds pathetic but hey..perks of being a teacher. ;)
Ok, this is gonna be a different topic but it's gonna relate to me being a PE teacher. Today, my boss starts praising me when he entered the office. When I went for lunch, he praised me again and started telling me that he sees me putting in a lot of effort and correcting myself for the better. He said that the fucking I received yesterday will do me good in life (WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT YOU FAT RETARD) ... I let whatever he said go in one ear and out the other..... Now, this is the part that is related to what I was writing about earlier. It's gonna be so interesting when I give him my resignation. After getting the praises from him, I'm telling him to take his job and stuff it where the sun don't shine. Man, I can't wait to see the expression of his round face.
Well, I hope I get the job as a teacher.
Peace out.
taste the pain
8/22/2007 04:43:00 PM
HATE MY FUCKING JOB
The best way for me to describe my job....hmm....very simple.......
I FUCKING HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a freaking degree but the work that idiot of a boss gives me is admin. Do i look like a fucking errand boy to him.... Those who know me and thinks of answering this question, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!
It's so freaking annoying man. Do this, do that, get this, get that, send this. send that. You know what tops it all off, he comes to me and ask me "Why are'nt you bringing in any new clients?"
God, how fucking thick are you??? You dumb or something???? Fine, I know you are the boss and stuff but please, please use some fucking common sense you retard. For the past one month, I have been alone in your tiny basement office. Your fat ass daughter (Who walks like a duck, fat like a hippo, and boring as god knows what) is on a one month holiday... You want me to take care of the admin, fine, I'm cool with that. Then you want me to collect policies and send them,that I can handle too.I make mistakes, you get pissed. Hey, that I don't mind too.
WHAT I FUCKING CAN'T STAND IS THE FACT THAT YOU THINK I CAN SPILT MYSELF INTO TWO AND THAT YOU THINK I CAN FUCKING READ YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You expect me to give you time when u come into the office before I tell you about the faxes and the mails that came in. So thats what I did. You said to ensure that you are free before I ask you or tell you anything. Fair enough.
So answer me this, when it does not seem that you are free, how in god's name am I gonna tell you abt the faxes, the emails or the phones call that come in.... Why the FUCK must you be such a PRICK???
Bottom line is SOON I'M LEAVING your sorry ass company, you freaking idiotic, moronic, retarded, obese ape.
Peace out
taste the pain
8/21/2007 04:52:00 PM
I AINT A STRIPPER
Ok, after reading a blog of one of my friends, I have decided to write this.
I AIN'T A STRIPPER.
I just did that one gig and it was a waitering thingy. There were 8 of using serving drinks at a celebrity party and we all were wearing swimming trunks and an apron. My trunks were longer then the average ones so it looked like boxer brief. So for a few hours my fellow waiters and I walked around for a few hours in our trunks and apron and served the celebrity guests drinks. The only thing that I did that is considered stripping was near the end of the party where, we (the 8 waiters) were told to line up at the begining of the pool. We were evenly spaced and one by one we had to take off our aprons, dive into the poo, swim to the other end and pose. Thats all. There was not much stripping to begin with. But i must say, the food was awesome and we could drink as much as we wanted to. It was hell of a fun. Unfortunately, my face came out in the papers, Life section It was a big ass picture of a few of us(the waiters) and the newspaper kinda ditorted the truth a little. Come on, watcha expect its the news. Anyways, I did not know about til I got a call at about 7 in the morning from a friend who saw me in the papers. I rushed out of my room ,found the page and threw it away. The whole day i was getting calls from my friends and people I've not heard from in ages. Fucking annoying man. Anyways, after throwing that page away, I went to work and reached home around midnight, thinking that my family did not find out. I happily made my way home. Reached home, got a shock f my life. My clothes were all in a bag. Mum was making a shit load of noise at me and threatening to throw me out. Needless to say, for a few days i got shitand no one was talking to me...blah...blahh.blahhhh....
Now, my mum sees the hilarious side of it and she makes fun of me whenever they show a party by the pool. ARGH............... one more thing I gotta add the pool side party, the layout was awesome man, seriously......
Oh yah, i dunno why I'm making such a big fuss about being called a stripper. Wait til you hear about my hallowen costume this year. You gotta try everything for once right.
Peace out
taste the pain
8/16/2007 09:54:00 PM
Dilemma
Sometimes it's kinda interesting to sit back and reflect what you have done in your life. Think about the times you did some foolish stuff, the accomplishments in your life, the friends you made, the friends that left.
Everything I've studied or done when I was in school was becauseI wanted to make my paretns proud of me. Taking triple science and trying to get good grads coz I knew they wanted me o be a doctor and shit like that. But when I sit and ponder about it, I realised that I never actually got good grades because I hated what I was doing. I can never see myself being a doctor. Hated chemistry. Hated physics. The only science subject that I like was biology.
When I went to poly (did noy even comtemplate the idea of JC after my boring 3 months in JJC), I did not know what course to take. Want to pursue a diploma in mechatronics but I did not do it coz there was no degree program available in Singapore, so I did banking (after listening to the advice of my family). Guess what, I hated it.
After NS, I wanted to return to poly and do another diploma but this time in sports science but my paretns disapproved and I had to do a degree in banking. HATED IT. I guess, everything that I have done was to trry to please my family but now it's time I do something that pleases me.
Now, I am stuck in a job that sucks. I can't wait to save up some money so I can get certified as a personal trainer and hopefullt work in fitness first or playnet fitness. Never at california fitness. After that I wanan get my degree n sports science. In the end, i wanna run a gym. A proper gym not those at the community centres and shit like that.
Most of the time we end up doing what others want. How often do we really do what we actually want to do. Think about it.........If you have a birthday party and you wanna call all your friends but sometimes you cant because some ofthem might have problems with one another. If you call one person and don't call another, there might be problems. What I do to solve this problem is to never have a party. I prefer going out with my few good friends and have a blast without worry about politics.
Some people say life is so complicated. You wanna d osomething but you cant coz it might offend this person. You wanna go out with this person but religion does not permit.You claim you love someone but you cheat on them. What the FUCK man. Life is not complicated. Humans make life complicated.
Peace out
taste the pain
8/15/2007 04:15:00 PM
Pain = Release
There are so many ways in which to release frustration, hurt, stress and disappointment. Some people jog, listen to music, shout, scream, go to the gym, etc.................
I know of someone who does it using a blade. Cutting himself. His forearm is full of marks. Not knowing how to release all the pent up frustration, anger and pain within him, he turns to his "best friend"(a knife) to console him.
This is what he does. Everytime before cutting himself, he sharpens the knife. He puts on music, normally metal , and uses the knife and slowly cut himself. Scraping away layer after layer of skin. Slowly the brown of his skin gives way to the white and then the glorious red. The frustration, disappointment and anger slowly gives way to pain , sweet pain....... The feelings all vanish and for a while he feels better.
Pain equals Pleasure equals Release
His friends tell him not to do it anymore. At first he is defiant. He brushes of what they have to say. Thinking to himself , " What do they know? They ain't in my shoes. How much can I tell them? What else can I do? Pain releases my anger. Pain releases my frustrations. Pain releases my disappointments and sadness. That's all I can do....."
The pain that he feels helps him to be free. Free of all his emotions and problems. Although it lasts for a short while but at least for that brief few moments he is problem free....... That is his escape from the world.
The scars on his arm, helps him to remember. Remember what happened, what caused him to make those scars. It tells him never to do it again. It's his form of reminder. A painful lesson but a lesson none the less.
People don't understand why he does what he does. Even he can't explain it. He knows he should not be hurting himself but the hurt he has received from others is far geater than any physical form of pain. The worst kind------emotional pain.
Now, cutting himself is an addiciton, coz pain becomes an addiction. A source of outlet. His way of escape.
Pain=Pleasure
Peace out.
taste the pain
8/10/2007 02:10:00 PM
Serenity
SERENITY
Artist: Godsmack
"As I sit here and slowly close my eyesI take another deep breathAnd feel the wind pass through my bodyI'm the one in your soulReflecting the lightProtect the ones who hold youCradling your inner childIt's serenityIn a place where I can hideI need serenityNothing changes, days go byWhere do we go when we just don't knowAnd how do we relight the flame when it's coldWhy do we dream when I thought mean nothingAnd when will we learn to controlTragic visions slowly stole my lifeTore away everythingCheating me out of my timeI'm the one who loves youNo matter wrong or rightAnd every day I hold youI hold you with my inner childIt's serenityIn a place where I can hideI need serenityNothing changes, days go byWhere do we go when we just don't knowAnd how do we relight the flame when it's coldWhy do we dream when I thought mean nothingAnd when will we learn to controlWhere do we go when we just don't knowAnd how do we relight the flame when it's coldWhy do we dream when I thought mean nothingAnd when will we learn to controlI need serenity"
This song perfectly says how I feel.
Peace out
taste the pain
8/09/2007 09:36:00 PM
I tried figuring out how to change my template but gave up coz I dun have the patients to do it.
Have you ever wonder why life is so shitty for some and so wonderful for others? True, the grass might seem greener on the other side but honestly from where I'm standing, even the bottomless pit looks like a haven.
Have you ever wonder why things happen they way they do, why some people have it better then other???
I've thought about it and the only thing I can come up with is that, "What does not KILL you, makes you stronger!!"
For my case, I think that my statement above is true for me..... The shit that is happening in my life, must be occuring for some reason. It's either gonna make me stronger or make me realise things that I should not be doing either that or it's gonna break me.
I aint ever gonna let whatever is happening to me break me down. At times I'm down and wanna give up but there is always someone to pull me up. The angels in my life I call my friends. You know who you are. I'm not sure that I've told you guys this but thank you so much. You all have no idea how much it means to me to have friends like you guys. At home, there's no one I can turn to. So people, I guess what I am tring to say is "THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!"
This blog that I just created is a way of venting out my frustrations. It's a new method I'm trying. Hopefully it works. Guess this is the best way to "scream my heart out".
Peace out
taste the pain
8/09/2007 01:02:00 PM
How the hell do i do up my page
?????????????????? HeLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
taste the pain
8/06/2007 11:18:00 PM