torn up inside
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Its strange how things go in a cycle. Happiness comes, it slowly fades and the comes the heartache, torment and saddness. Slowly, happiness comes back. Why does it always seem that the sadness, hurt and torment always last so long??

So much pressure, so much pain, so much hurt. Where do I begin? How do I explain how I am feeling. This blog is one of the best ways in which I can release my supressed emotions and feelings. Sometimes I just want to yell out and tell the whole world to FUCK OFF, but I cant.

There are only a few people who can bring happiness in my life but at the same time,they bring saddness. They put a smile on my face but I know it will be short lived. In a blink of an eye, all the happiness I had is gone.

Maybe it is not the pure feeling of happiness. No matter how happy I try to make myself, deep down i know that "IT" will happen again and it a nervous kind of happiness. It's not the pure feeling. Its a mixed kind of emoition.

On Saturday, I told her that she was the one who brought a smile to my face and she does. Everytime I talk to her, I feel better. When I see her, she makes me smile. I appreicate it so much, I appreciate her so much. But the problems that I face scares me too much for the smile to last long.

After almost 3 months, I wanted to feel the sensation of steel on skin again. I just want to be released. Embracing pain and blood is what I want right now. Embracing the pain like a long lost friend. The one thing that will make my mind blank and at peace.

My tears are begging me to let them go but I can't. I have to be strong. Tthat was what I was told when I broke down about 2 weeks ago. Leaving it inside, is killing me.

I'm lost. So lost. There is nothing that I can do to remove the hurt and frustration from me. Putting on a false front is now becoming so hard to do. I gotta smile, gotta laugh just to make sure that those around me wont feel hurt. I can't show them that I am breaking down. They look to me for strength, I can't crumble, I can't break. I gotta bear it. How, I have no idea.


taste the pain
7/21/2008 12:03:00 PM