Just one small thing
You know, all it takes is just a tiny comment or a small incident to spark off a turmoil. All I said was one word. I just said "Maaa....". Thats it. Thas all. WHat happened next...Let's just say "Shit Happens"......How long more can I endure this torment? I dont know.
taste the pain
10/16/2007 08:31:00 PM
It's so close. Coming slowy. One step at a time. Inch by inch. So it will reach me. When, I do not know and I'm so terrified to find out. What will happen when it reaches? How will I react? What will I do? Can I still be strong? Can I face? Can I defeat it? Can I conquer it? Or will I be weak? Will I let it eat me from inside? Will I break down and cry?
Questions, questions......so many questions. Why dont I have the answers? How long will I have to endure this agony? Why can't I be free? Free of all this torture and torment.
I sound like a fucking whimp. All I do on this blog is complain abt my life. I'm not doing anything to make it better. Why cant sort out my thoughts???
taste the pain
10/14/2007 06:02:00 PM
It's coming but I cant Stop it
It's been a long time since I blogged. The only reason I do blog is to get stuff off my chest. It's like when I wanna tell something but I'm not sure how to say it. The best way for me it to write it out.
It's strange. I have the most awesome friends in the world. They care for me and for my birthday, they threw me 2 parties and it was the best parties I ever had in my life. Love you guys a lot.
I wanna tell you guys things but I just cant. The birthday party touched me in more ways than you can ever imagine.
The last two weeks I had the time of my life. But the past few days I've been feeling like shit. I'm so used to ignoring my problems and blocking it out that I have never taken the time to sit down and solve it. I know I have my friends with me whom I can talk to but I just cant bring myself too. I don;t know why. Trust me, it sucks but whatever is boethering me, I guess I gotta deal with it on my own.
The problem is eating me from the inside and when I meet my friends, I put on a smile and laugh and talk shit and pretend to be happy. When I'm alone or when a particular song plays, it reminds me of so many things. How things did not work out when it should have, how life (in my opinion) has been unfair to a certain extent.
I've got so much frustrations in me that I wanna just shout my lungs out, grab someone, anyone and beat the lviing shit out of him... Right now, I wanna see blood. Not anyone's blood but my own. I wanna feel steel against flesh again. I wanna feel that sweet sensation of pain. I want to see my bloody flowing again. I want to see the wound heal so I can injure it again and feel the pain again. I wanna see the scars form. I WANT TO FEEL PAIN..... My only solace from my problems. I one and only true escape. You guys don't know how I feel. I just wanna feel pain again. I've got "my friend" sharpened again and it's awaiting to be used but I cant. It's not cause I can't stand the pain but it's because I promised my two darling friends that I wont do it. I promised the two of you and I will keep my word. I wont cut myself. But it sucks. That's my only way of escape and I cant do it. The gym, this blog, music, boxing, drinking, all this does not help. All this does not help anymore.
You guys have been darling and been around me when i needed someone to talk to and listen to me. I dunno, maybe I need a good cry or something. I dunno how to releasae the things I am holding on to. I want to coz I know no matter what it will never work and the more I try to block it or ignore it, the demon will only manifest and get larger and harder to eliminate. What should I do? How to I overcome it?
I know get rid of one problem but for some reason, I keep putting it off. I have the cash to get rid of it but I dun. I just dont. I know its not good for me. Getting rid of it will help me. It will be the first step of recovery but I just cant bring myself to. I want but I cant. Why is it so hard to let go?
Why did I make the promise to the two of you. At least I will have a few minutes of peace, of calm. At least I'll be in my haven.
I know it sounds sick, it sounds whacked but hey, thats me.
Like is I said before,
"PAIN IS MY FRIEND!!!!!"
If I'm freaking you guys out I'm sorry but I just need to get it out. Like the promise I made, I won't cut myself.
Thanks for being there for me.
One more thing, I might just disappear for a few days. Don't worry, I won't be doing anything stupid so dont worry ok.
taste the pain
10/04/2007 12:34:00 PM