[taste the pain]

I think it's about time I did some soul searching. I did a little yesterday but I can't seem to find what's bothering me. There is something but what....I had a fucked up sleep last night. Only manage to fall asleep at abt 1 plus in the morning but my sleep kept getting interupted. I woke up like 4 or 5 times. Had a few weird ass dreams that don't make sense. Wait, that ain't right.... The first dream I had made a little sense. I'm gonna spare everyone the boring details about it but the gist of it is that I was told by someone (Only god knows who) that I should learn to control my temper. I think that is something I really need to do.

I woke up again feeling that something was crawling up my foot. I thought it was a bug or something but it turned out to be nothing that that stupid sensation lingered until I fell asleep.... Last Saturday and yesterday night, I was so tempted to cut myself again. Everything at home is fine, for once work is going well, so don't ask me why I'm feeling like shit, coz honestly, I do not know. I really wish I did but I don't. The only reason why I did not cut myself was coz my knife was blunt, there won't be any effect.

I know I'm not some sort of weakling that is unable to cope with my problems. I've done it so many times before and there is no reason know why I should be cracking. Everything is fine, so what's wrong. It's time I sat down by the beach (hopefully it will be a windy night and the stars will be out), with a bottle of red wine and figure of what's eating me from the inside.

Once I find out what is affecting me, I know I will be able to overcome it. I need to find some outlet for my sadness (I'm not going through depression) and all the pent up emotions I have in me.

You know, thinking about it, I always do this. I always keep my feelings to myself and I bottle it up. There is so much of pent up emotions in me that I just need to let it go if not I'll explode. That is something I am trying to save myself from. I do not wanna implode or explode. I know when I do that, the people around me will suffer.

My friends, I know they will ask me what's wrong and that they will be there for me. I know that and for that, I thank all of you. I have one request, please, I am begging you guys not to ask me what's wrong because I am unable to give you guys a proper answer. The reason for that is because I do not know what's wrong. All I can say is that there are demons with me that I have to fight. I need to find out what or who these demons are and exorcise them.

I'm sick of pretending to be cheerful on the outside but feeling like crap on the inside. I don't think a lot of people actually know how I feel or who the real me is. It's not that I do not want to let them know the real me , it's just I can't. I am the person you see when we meet up but the emotions or feelings that I protray is not exactly how I feel but what I want you to see.

I can't be selfish and bother you guys with my problems. You have heard a lot of complaints from me but I guess this is one thing I need to sort out for myself. Talking can help so much but in the end, it's up to me to get myself out of this grave that I dug for myself.

Time to do some Soul Searching