torn up inside
blogskin by babycurls
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What a Weird Wolrd We Live In
It's funny how weird the world is. It's funny how things happen they way it does. You can never find answer to it. Its just so weird. Everything is weird. Why can't things be simple. Why must it be so fuckling hard. Why?
taste the pain
3/29/2009 01:28:00 PM
Unleashed
I have come to a point in my life when I feel that I need to unleash myself. Unleash myself in everything that I do.
Destroy myself in the gym. Destory myself so I can build myself up from scratch.
Work hard at work. Get back to where I was before. prove everyone wrong and then vengence will be so sweet. When they really need me, I will just tell them two words, I quit.
This job is killing me. Maknig me a shell of who I was before. No life, no friends, no one. All I wanna do is be alone. Solitude has become my friend. They vibe around me chases my friends away too.
I aint right man. I aint right
taste the pain
3/17/2009 09:54:00 AM
Fuck the world
Yesterday was quite an interesting day. I went through so many emotions. I’ve also realized some other things. I’ve cared too much for everyone. I’ve always had other people on my mind. I think of ways and things to do so that I will be able to help people and make them feel better. I have thought too much about the people around me and I have not taken the time to take care of myself. I’ve not taken the time to heal myself.
Now it’s time I do something for myself. Time for some soul searching. Time to recover, Time to heal. Time to think about myself,.. Call me whatever you want but until you have lived a day in my shoes, you will never understand what and how I feel. It’s tough.
I’ve dug a hole so deep and made a wall so high that it’s almost engulfed me. Actually it did for a while but I;m gonna climb out of this. I’m gonna stop killing myself by drinking and smoking so much. I’m gonna start hitting the gym. Gonna get back the body that I lost. Wanna start taking care of myself.
Peace out.
taste the pain
3/11/2009 09:41:00 AM
What can I do
It's funny how things happen in life. A few weeks ago, everthing seems so perfect and right. Not a worry in the world and life was so perfect. Things changes. Everything changes. Things have changed so fast. I have destroyeded everything in my life. I have destroyed my own happiness. I have destroyed your happiness.......
What am I doing? Is the decision I made correct? How will this affect me in the long run? how will this affect you? Why did I make that decision. I want you to be happy. I know I can't make you happy. What am I to do.
All I do is cause pain to whoever loves me. I have hurt my family. I have hurt you in a way that I cannot even comprehend. I will never forgive myself for that. I really do love you but right now, I am not strong enough to face you. I have lost my will and my drive for everything.
Everything that you have seen and that you have heard since that fateful day is only a cover that I am putting up.. My life is in total darkness right now and no one can and will be able to pull me out of this. I doubt that I can do it by myself as well.
I'm so sorry. i really am. I have failed you so miserably.
taste the pain
3/07/2009 02:27:00 PM
It has all started again
Time has passed so fast and we are in the 3rd month of the year. So many things have happened in that time.
Promises made, promises broken.
The worst thing that has happened is that I have lost the one person that is so important to me in my life, all becauseo f my insecurities and my phobias.
Ican't believe that I have let that happened. I can't believe that I have hurt her so much. She is so dear to me and willing to sacrifice everything that she has for me. I cant be with her cause I know that I will hurt her more. I don't wanna hurt her but all I seem to be doing is hurting her.
I am really sorry. i don't know if you still read this but if you do, I just want you to know that I love you so much and that I am really really sorry my angel.
taste the pain
3/06/2009 09:05:00 AM
Circle
Its strange how things go in a cycle. Happiness comes, it slowly fades and the comes the heartache, torment and saddness. Slowly, happiness comes back. Why does it always seem that the sadness, hurt and torment always last so long??
So much pressure, so much pain, so much hurt. Where do I begin? How do I explain how I am feeling. This blog is one of the best ways in which I can release my supressed emotions and feelings. Sometimes I just want to yell out and tell the whole world to FUCK OFF, but I cant.
There are only a few people who can bring happiness in my life but at the same time,they bring saddness. They put a smile on my face but I know it will be short lived. In a blink of an eye, all the happiness I had is gone.
Maybe it is not the pure feeling of happiness. No matter how happy I try to make myself, deep down i know that "IT" will happen again and it a nervous kind of happiness. It's not the pure feeling. Its a mixed kind of emoition.
On Saturday, I told her that she was the one who brought a smile to my face and she does. Everytime I talk to her, I feel better. When I see her, she makes me smile. I appreicate it so much, I appreciate her so much. But the problems that I face scares me too much for the smile to last long.
After almost 3 months, I wanted to feel the sensation of steel on skin again. I just want to be released. Embracing pain and blood is what I want right now. Embracing the pain like a long lost friend. The one thing that will make my mind blank and at peace.
My tears are begging me to let them go but I can't. I have to be strong. Tthat was what I was told when I broke down about 2 weeks ago. Leaving it inside, is killing me.
I'm lost. So lost. There is nothing that I can do to remove the hurt and frustration from me. Putting on a false front is now becoming so hard to do. I gotta smile, gotta laugh just to make sure that those around me wont feel hurt. I can't show them that I am breaking down. They look to me for strength, I can't crumble, I can't break. I gotta bear it. How, I have no idea.
The BURDEN IS MINE AND MINE TO BEAR ALONE!!!
taste the pain
7/21/2008 12:03:00 PM
The craving is back
Sometimes things it just hits you so bad. You wonder why did it come. Where did this sadness come from? Is it because of the lack of love or the stress from home. To be honest I have no idea. All I know is that it hurts so much hand sometime, just sometimes I wish I it all ended. It’s just so hard. I have no idea how to release this pain. All I know is that I it eating away at me from the inside. It just sucks so much. I want to feel free. I want to be free. Freedom. It’s something that many people take for granted. The shackles that is holding me down is too heavy. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. I’m so tired of putting up this front. I’m so tired of pretending to be happy. This façade is killing me slowly. Why must I go through this. Why must I endure this Why? Why me? What have I done wrong? God, please help me. I feel so useless. So helpless. I am unable to endure this heartache anymore. I cannot endure this pain anymore.
Today is the first time after so long that I feel like hurting myself again. I want feel happy, even for a brief second. I do not want to think of anything else I want my mind to be free. I want to be free. Seeing the blood trickle down my hand, feeling the cold steel against my skin, the heat from the cuts I make takes my mind away from everything. That brief period, gives me peace. That’s all that I want. Peace.
I know I have made promises to those close to me that I will not do it again but I do not think that I can stop myself. I want that peace. I want that serenity. I want that solace, the comfort. I just want to be happy
Why do I feel this way. Everything is going fine and well. Why do I wanna hurt myself? It’s stupid right. I know it is but it’s the only way I feel peace. It takes my mind away from everything. Pain.
PAIN IS MY FRIEND
taste the pain
2/24/2008 11:41:00 PM